Freaks of the Deep – God’s Acid Trip

Posted on | November 21, 2012 | No Comments

Written by ~ Jack Golbourn

Fish are a weird and wonderful creature, patrolling the vast ocean, sourcing out food and checking out aqua bitches. All they do is just swim around, not giving a single fuck, plopping out pellets of joy wherever they wish. They flaunt their colours so righteously it makes Gok Wan look like a ready salted crisp. Yet there are fish deep down in the depths that will give you the shits quicker than poorly roasted turkey.

Ever watched a documentary on deep sea fish that blew your mind into a million pieces? Scattering your brain into the third dimension until basic math seems like a badly constructed clay model of Barry Chuckles face?

 I know I have.

Its because God made friends with Rolf Harris,  indulged in a copious amount of acid, then started creating animals at random. The intoxicated troublemakers thought it would be funny to place light bulbs on top of fish heads in case of a power cut. A rather bright idea. It’s surprising that they don’t have 17 penis’s or 56 toenails for eyes. The creations were so hideous that they hid them at the bottom of the ocean, hoping that us puny humans wouldn’t discover them. Well, surprise.. we did.

 

 

 

 

Through the methods of deep sea exploration we have found these freaks of the deep, exposing their dark paradise to the ignorant world. God and Rolf’s little secret isn’t safe anymore. We are starting to unravel what happened on the acid fueled night but don’t know the facts for sure. Scientific research shows that the trip twins may have altered the rodents of Guatemala yet no firm conclusions can be confirmed.

 

 

What the fuck were God and Rolf thinking when they created this abomination?? It looks like a hairy turd found in a Chernobyl toilet. Imagine finding this wrapped up in newspaper alongside your chips, probably smells like piss.

This ugly motherfucker probably pays expensive whore-fish for sex, then murders her and takes back the money. GTA -San Andreas (You know you did it)

 

 

Here is a rare picture from the bottom of the sea. Its a sick example of what God and Rolf have done. These poor fish will never get to sleep ever again. Its the equivalent of someone drip-feeding energy drinks into you 24/7.

 

 

 

Stop this madness now. Enough have suffered, who knows what could happen next.

 

 

 

Life’s Roller-coaster, it’s Called True Love…

Posted on | November 19, 2012 | No Comments

Love ~ Written by Sir J. Anonymous ~

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to dating, for me it’s no easy thing, my time in the dating world has had many ups and downs… sometimes the downs outnumber the ups, but that’s life.

Now to all you Disney fairy tale couples out there who think love will happen after 5 seconds and they all lived happily ever after good luck with that, cos if you rush into love or confuse sexual attraction with love one day all you’ll be left with is a boner and a memory of a great shag you had 10 years ago, which for some of you might be all you need but personally i already have both those things right now, so i’d kinda like something more in the future.

Love, all it takes is a spark to send the juices flowing, a look, a smile or even a hello in passing… these things can trigger something that will build inside, like a fire rising, you know something is going on in your pants when you can’t stop thinking about that one special someone but don’t confuse “love” with “i wanna fuck”! make sure that once the deed is done, or if the deed is gonna be done that you have something to talk about after and not just about how one of you accidentally farted during. love isn’t always about common interest…but it helps. a common interest in music or films, is a great place to start.. and one that particularly stands out for me that really gets your pleasuretown express moving is a mutual hatred of something, there is no greater feeling than saying to someone you fucking hate something and they look at you with love in their eyes and say “me too!”. you can then use these common interests to do things, spend time together or just talk that is a highway to heaven in itself.

now being the grumpy old man of our generation i sadly feel that romance has lost its battle against simply “going out and getting battered and fucking the nearest hole that we see” lets not kid ourselves true romance is almost dead.. but listen fella’s that little gesture of romance to impress a girl..god willing she doesn’t ask “are you gay or something” will go a long way. and put you on the road to love, cos it shows you care.

now since this isn’t how to get girls 101, this is a talk about love, we have to mention the bad side.. and god knows we know… it.. gets… bad. when love isn’t in your life or its just been taken out of it, that’s when i tend to self destruct.
and lets read of the worst case scenarios from my past…

1) she killed herself
2) got pregnant from another guy, and miscarried.
3) never said goodbye.. left the country, haven’t heard from her since.
4) used me to get with another guy, who i introduced her to.
5) went back to her abusive ex-boyfriend who broke her jaw.

if you had it worse then that.. i feel bad for you son… I’ve had 99 bitches and still haven’t found the one.

but keep your chin up guys, this isn’t a sprint its a marathon, you don’t get were you want to go in 10 seconds, you have to train.. then take each mile, one at a time.. and there will be times were you don’t want to go on… believe me i’ve been there, but i’ve survived and now i’m better, wiser, stronger and ready for what ever life throws at me, i haven’t given up on love… i’ve just stopped looking, who knows maybe one day it will find me… and if your lucky.. it’ll find you too..

and lastly… if there are any single women out there… simply send your number and you’ll get a call and will engage in extended conversation.

….can’t blame me for trying.

Fat Burning- Lose the belly don’t be smelly

Posted on | November 1, 2012 | No Comments

Greetings readers, today I reveal a few major sexy tips in fat burning. There are countless products that claim to help you lose weight. These products are hit and miss, just like medication, sometimes they work for some people sometimes they don’t. A lot of products use well known natural fat burning ingredients but this won’t guarantee weight loss just by taking the product.

There are three major components to shedding excess weight and burning fat: a better diet, a spectacular workout routine and the right mind set. Everybody wants to trim down that little chubba chub and work towards better biceps, rock hard boners, and to burn that belly to less that 10% body fat to find the abs that have been underneath all along.

This journey is designed for a better lifestyle and a way of healthy living. It won’t be easy, it will be like walking across a desert in nothing but a jockstrap and a mouth full of cinnamon. Yep, that’s hard my friend, harder than Zeus’ on the blue pill. There will be times you will fail, times you will cry in your string vest to the moon like a wolf who’s constipated, times when your shorts are so wet with sweat they slip off on the treadmill, catching your ballbag on the way down. It will be painful, but no pain, no rain, no gain, no change.

First of all you have to decrease your overall intake of calories, calories is like your currency/ unit for energy, and if you eat more than your daily limit/ requirement you will never be able to drop weight/excess chub, unless you go for super poopies or become the president of the diarrhea club.

Your body also uses carbohydrate and glucose. It breaks it down to provide your body with energy. So you need to create a diet plan, consisting of healthy carbohydrates, no junk foods, and a whole load of fruit, nuts, vegetables and lean meats. You need to limit your intake of carbohydrates and sugars as well, these will be stored as fat if you are in excess.

Fat burning Diet Tips:

1. Drinking green tea- A natural fat burner that speeds up metabolism and encourages the body to shed excess fat.
2. Drinking sports drinks/supplements that contain L-Carnitine, now in the Philippines this L-Carnitine component has been advertised everywhere as an exceptional fat burner that will sizzle and drip your body fat percentage, alongside healthy dieting and exercise. L-Carnatine facilitates the transportation of free fatty acids across the mitochondria  sparing glycogen. When exercising, duration can be increased due to the promotion of using these fatty acids as an energy source meaning you lose more weight than Hugh Heffner has pussy-queens.
3. Drinking water before every meal and throughout the day. Suppressing appetite to help you adjust to eating less.
4. Shrinking your portions of carbohydrate- particularly applicable to all those guys who are slim but store fat on their waist. Lowering intake of carbohydrates helps the body to use the energy stores (fat) it already has. Make the portion of carbohydrates you are eating be outweighed by vegetables that are water based, like cucumbers, tomatoes, celery etc. If you eat one cup of rice per meal, lower it to half a cup of rice. Particularly hard for Asians as we eat rice for breakfast lunch and dinner… rice partaaaaaay!

Then you put to good use HIIT as shown below. Goodluck and happy trimming, keep motivated. It will be worth more than a golden dildo hidden deep in the treasure chests of the Spanish Armada. I will also incorporate my own abs routine in the next post. Holla!

Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning Fat Burning

Amazon deals

Posted on | October 13, 2012 | No Comments

This post is dedicated to anyone who would like to order through Amazon and has contacted us. Buying through us can help towards funding the website and posts, simply drop a comment what you would like to purchase through Amazon, if you’d like to buy from Amazon.com ($) or Amazon.co.uk (£) and the link, we will then place a link up on this page and make it available for you to buy, you can also get discounts:

Big boy toy set

Monsters

Babyliss for bottoms

phone deal

Morgan Freeman is not Dead

Posted on | September 11, 2012 | 43 Comments

Morgan Freeman is not dead. This was a disgusting hoax and it started on facebook. The explosion of comments has created a worldwide hype as the hoax has run wild virally. The ‘R.I.P Morgan Freeman’ facebook group created on the 28th of August has over 423,000 likes and 150,000 comments. Absolutely disgusting to whoever made it. They deserve to have a skunk drop a chocolate swirl on their forehead… Then wipe it clean using their uncles trombone.

Don’t believe everything you hear, most of the media you’re exposed to tell you lies. Don’t believe the old ice cream man Luigi when he says there are free ’99 ice cream flakes’ in the back of his truck.

Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman Morgan Freeman

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New Amazon Kindle Fire

Posted on | September 7, 2012 | 30 Comments

Kindle Fire

The long-awaited new Kindle Fire looks to impress with it’s upgrade of features, it’s portability and durability. The Kindle Fire is the perfect portable device with over 22 million movies, songs, TV shows, books, magazines, audio-books, apps and games including facebook. It even has netflix, twitter, HBO GO and angry birds.

The Ultra fast web browsing with built in wifi maximises performance with an overall 40% faster performance as well as twice the memory of the old Kindle and longer-lasting extended battery life. Imagine all those long road trips or flights abroad, even when you are in the waiting room in a hospital or at the dreaded dentist. It will ease time.

The Kindle Library allows you to pick from over 180,000 books and read them for free! Including all 7 Harry Potter books.. and you don’t even need to return them. Whoever purchases the Kindle Fire is also given Kindle Freetime- a downloadable ap to secure content, set the amount of time it is used daily, and set or restrict access to certain content, so that children won’t see anything proper naughty.

Overall, if the Kindle Fire was a woman, I would marry her. It would be like a lady sent through the heavens. It’s an exceptional tablet gadget, being released by Amazon September 14th and I deem it as nothing less than the perfect gift for anyone and everyone. At $159.00 it is certainly a bargain buy.

Now if you are a big spender and want the top of the range, you should consider buying the HD version of the Kindle Fire with 8.9 inches of pure joy. It is said to be nothing less than delicious. Like a cake made from krispy kreme doughnuts.
Here are the specs:

Stunning 8.9″ HD display, exclusive Dolby audio, fastest Wi-Fi, plus ultra-fast 4G LTE wireless
1920×1200 HD display with polarizing filter and anti-glare technology for rich color and deep contrast from any viewing angle
Exclusive Dolby audio and dual stereo speakers for crisp, booming sound without distortion
High performance 1.5Ghz dual-core processor with Imagination PowerVR 3D graphics core for fast and fluid performance
Dual-band, dual-antenna Wi-Fi for 40% faster downloads and streaming (compared to iPad 3)
Over 22 million movies, TV shows, songs, magazines, books, audiobooks, and popular apps and games such as Facebook, Netflix, Twitter, HBO GO, Pandora, and Angry Birds Space
Integrated support for Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo! and more, as well as Exchange calendar, contacts, and email
Free Skype video calls with front-facing HD camera
Free unlimited cloud storage for all your Amazon content
Includes special offers and sponsored screensavers. Learn more
Kindle FreeTime – a personalized tablet experience just for kids. Set daily screen limits, and give access to appropriate content for each child. Free on every Kindle Fire HD. Coming next month
Prime Instant Video – unlimited, instant streaming of thousands of popular movies and TV shows
Kindle Owners’ Lending Library – Kindle owners can choose from more than 180,000 books to borrow for free with no due dates, including over 100 current and former New York Times best sellers and all 7 Harry Potter books.

Preorder yours now:

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Best Games 2012

Posted on | September 6, 2012 | 24 Comments

Listing a few video games that have are deeply anticipated to impregnate the nation and keep everyone in their houses for at least 69 days.

1) Fifa 13- All Fifa fans get an extended boner every year, when the game improves it’s like a once inch fat man having penis surgery gaining a mandingo schlong. It’s like a nerd who gets no pussy suddenly becoming Hugh Hefner’s long lost son. The new Fifa looks to destroy the Pro-Evo opposition and any other football games that attempt to take a bite of it’s bacon.

2) Black Ops II- I can’t explain how juicy this game looks, but it looks to shock the masses of COD fans as it is more futuristic, some robocop type of boner. Just please watch this video as it is getting me so emotional.

Take a pick from Amazon to preorder any of these juicy games:

3) The Walking Dead episode 1- Like every zombie fan, I’ve watched Dawn of the Dead, Sean of the Dead, Evil Dead, all sorts of Dead. If there was a zombie orgy film i’d probably watch it. I just love zombies and this game captures an essence of decision making and combat, a sort of tasty mix between Left for Dead and Heavy Rain. The only criticism is that they cartoonised it when it could have been alot tastier, scarier and more thrilling with a more human graphical element to it. All the critic reviews i’ve read have been positive and out of 92 user ratings it got a score of 8.0/10.

 

Shop Amazon – Best Selling Software Downloads

Happy Gaming!

BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012 BEST GAMES 2012

Life at University

Posted on | September 4, 2012 | 23 Comments

Life at University

Now every fresher about to attend College/University is probably feeling the nervous buzz of excitement and anticipation of College/Uni Life. More than half of them have probably watched American Pie and think that it is a microcosm of Uni Life -|- that there’s gonna be a mad amount of pussy, unlimited beer and giant orgy boinking sessions.

Partly this is true in some places in the world, probably true for those fraternity house parties in America where they party hard 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days of constant boners.

In my university we still go hard, but it isn’t as glamorous as American Pie. University students being away from home for the first time can finally enjoy and experience the freedom that university life brings. The freedom of doing everything for themselves and doing anything they want. No limitations to their party panties.

They have to learn how to budget their money, whether it’s student loan or daddies dollar… The amount of people that blew their whole student loan (which is like £2,000+) in freshers week was insane. People bought more alcohol than food, shelf upon shelf of disaranno, that cheapass Asda vodka and wine straight from the grape vine. Shout out to one mentalist who downed absinthe and got so mashed he had to get his stomach pumped.

Freshers like to hit all the clubs, bars, pubs, booty bars in town. Some of them get in trouble with the po-po, some of them can bolt like Usain and outrun po-po in Granny Outfits. Shout out to the Northampton University Lacrosse team, who have the best social. I’ve never been so rinsed in my life.

People often change at university and they grew into the people they wish to become in life, some turn gay, some become professional, whilst others turn so damn gangsta.

I know a big pimpin’ mackdaddy who went straight to casino and slapped £2,000 on Black 13 on the roulette table. He lost like a bellend but handled it well, the kid’s got balls. If that was me, I would have done a Filipino front-flip off of a roof after that loss.

Now after splashing all their cash on strippers, booze and casino. They were reduced to eating cheap instant noodles for the rest of the term and taking a shower in the a park pond since they couldn’t afford their water bill. Living the dream I guess.

In different countries across the globe, the College/Uni experience differs. I remember watching the University of the Philippines (UP Diliman) do their annual naked run, a bunch of Filipinos wearing masks, with their lightsabres striking each other, looked like an Asian lord of the rings scene. Simply amazing. So many boobies bouncing that there was an ocean of milk.. and I was drowning.

Some of the most epic and tragic times happen at university, time’s I will hold dear to my heart and boner forever:

If you wanna see how they do it in America nothing is better than this epic dvd, Project X, if you ain’t seen it it’s like a real life American Pie:

Funny thing is, one thing they all forget to mention to all the new freshmeats, is that Chlamydia is on the rise and EVERYBODY that bangs unprotected gets it. It’s like Chlamydia is the new McDonald’s, everybody wants some of that cheeseburger. If you hadn’t had a taste of Chlamydia you haven’t had a good time… I’m just playing no body wants those ‘positive’ texts after doing a urine test in the club.

There’s always a few gym gangers and meatheads that get addicted to gym. Gyms are always located either inside the university or just down the road, the reason why you get so many buff American Football players. Gym becomes so addictive.. like sex to Russell Brand, or peter pan to Michael Jackson (i’m only playing, he didn’t do it- MJ for Life).

Apart from juicing daily, students have to being to learn to get along with new housemate’s or halls homies. Sometimes when in shared accommodation like a house you get house-mates that enjoy surprising you each and everyday. Some house-mates leave a box on your bed, biggest prank ever. Some of them drink all your milk and juices in the fridge, or jack your snickers bar. That’s a piss take! But worst of all, when they leave you surprise chocolate submarines. Never flushing? Disgustin’

Shower hour was probably one of the best times of the day when you are greeted everytime, you gotta keep your hygiene up at uni, that’s if you want to be stereotyped as one of those never bathe-ing, smellyass bum picking students. So get in the shower twice daily, maybe even three times if you still have water:

They also say that the people you meet at university are most likely the people you will surround yourself with the rest of your lives, make sure you aren’t anti-social as you never know who you could meet.

If a student can adapt to getting used to those few things then they’ll be alright. At University there are copious amounts of drugs, so much marijew and sticky icky being smoked down in boner town. A few special times a year, campus is alight and smells like a Jamaican bon-fire night. BBQ chicken and Reggae Reggae sauce for all. And if they ain’t hitting up that weed then the remainder are certainly becoming raw alcoholics. Wishin’ all the freshmeats the best and hope you enjoy the first year because that single year will be one of the best years of your life.

For all those seeking that perfect University Student Experience. Women and Men alike…

Here is a variety multipack that’s good for the heart:

Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University Life at University

R.I.P Michael Clarke Duncan

Posted on | September 3, 2012 | 28 Comments

I hate to write this, and this is crazy.. But that amazing actor Michael Clarke Duncan (Big Mike) has passed away due to a heart attack and complications surround his heart. The 54 year old, 325lb Muscle-God collapsed in his home on July 13th. Just today on September 3rd.. it seems that it is the same complication he had before which was due to a myocardial infarction. Sounds a bit mince, but when he died in ‘Green Mile’, that’s the first movie that ever brought tears to my eyes. He is a bossman and I bet he is benchpressin’ all day everyday in heaven.

If you wish to have the Greenmile dvd hit of him, here it is on Amazon:

Mr Duncan passed away in a L.A. Hospital and although he has passed away, he will forever be remembered for his role in ‘Green Mile’. An actor that showed such raw emotion and delivered out beautiful roles of characters. He is an inspiration to every man that ever wishes to go to the gym. 6’5 in height and purely stacked muscle, the ultimate gym idol. I will purchase a poster of this super wham legend to slap on my wall never to be taken down. Long Live the king of Whamness in the hearts of all his fans.

Plant of the Apes on Amazon:

 

He’s so big his picture doesn’t even fit on my page. A true muscle hero.

If you wish to buy a signed photo on Amazon for remembrance click here:

Michael Clarke Duncan Michael Clarke Duncan Michael Clarke Duncan Michael Clarke Duncan Michael Clarke Duncan stacked, henchest, whammest player in the entire universe. Bet he deadlifted two trucks joint by lamposts. He Alone could make a man get up at 5am to take a shake and head to gym, just from one glance at a poster of his body.

G-spots of the body

Posted on | September 3, 2012 | 34 Comments

Apart from the clitoris and the prostate gland–The human body is made up of many nerve endings and spots that stimulate sexual pleasure. The G-spots of the body I will reveal to you today, are often neglected during sex and can lead up to multiple powerful orgasms..That explosive juicy jizzin’! Now foreplay is essentially the bread and butter of leading up to a potentially potent punarni and cockarni orgasm.

1.  The angel wings, obliques, the hip bone– whatever you may call it. This spot here is so sensitive it can cause you to jolt up, a ticklish sort of pleasurable sensation. Running your tongue along this with a little bite can cause severe testicular pain. If you don’t get it cracking in the next 69 seconds then those blesticles gon’ blow up.

2. The nipples are some of the most sensitive points on the body, in the cold they become hard and sharp like icicles. Unfortunately in Winter football, I popped quite a few balls whilst chesting down crosses. Coach never forgave me.. but my nips were harder than builders boners when they mix cement— On both men and women, the nipples are regarded as a hot spot of nerve stimulation, if a girl has ever flicked her tongue, sucked and softly bitten your nipple you should know the ticklish feeling of euphoria, a complete turn on. You will feel like hugh hefner when he makes love with an anaconda in the forest…that sizzling sloppy tongue like the snake from Jungle book.

3. The neck- Now, now, now..  Kisses on the neck really do it for most people. When a chick kisses me on the neck my boner jolts to attention, it’s like sticking your key in the ignition. I can hear R. Kelly playing right now. For most people it’s the turn on of a life time. So sexual and seductive, kinda like a movie scene with Megan fox and a whole lotta chicken waaangs. Man I love to see those ladies eat. With the garlic sauce all dripping down their chin and onto their booty. Magnificent. Those neck kisses have fat people, skinny people, White, Black and Asian alike all aroused and leaking like a bursted pipe.

To really get sexy, Buy the First book of 50 Shades of Grey here on Amazon:

If you want a man’s guide to learn how to make a luscious lady loose control, check this book out on Amazon. Best seller:

4. The ears- a little nibble can make you dribble. A held bite on the ear lobe, especially at the top of the ears can do wonders. A burning feeling as the blood rushes to the head. If a player really wanted to go in he would use his tongue inside the ear. Beware though, some chicks don’t do hygiene and if she aint cleaned her ears you will have a taste of pure wax, enough to mould a mohican in your pubes. The only time it isn’t big pimpin’ to bite the ears is if she got those ears that can engulf you. Those ones like a venus flytrap… just that little nibble and BLAW! munched down in china town.

Now that you have these little tips to tickle your pickle and rattle your snake. Make sure you have a safe time flickin’ beans and making cream!

G-spots G-spots G-spots G-spots G-spots G-spots

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